Most film ‘worst’ lists have truly detestable entries; here, I instead opted to put the ones that frustrated and angered me because they had the potential to be something special…but failed.
What is on this list are films I was genuinely excited to see - and then savagely betrayed by. That doesn’t mean that they’re all unworthwhile and terrible throughout. You may even love some of these, and if you do know I do not think less of you! In fact I commend you, as all of these have worth. For me, however, their flaws were too great to overlook.
5
The VVitch
In case you missed my review for this one, it’s the one buried inside my Netflix Halloween Recommendations list. It was a film I watched especially for the list, in the hopes I could include it. This is going to be the first of a trend on this list - disagreeing with critical and public acclaim. Again, I reiterate that this is not a bad film - in fact for most of its runtime, it’s an intensely plotted, beautifully filmed, hauntingly acted masterpiece and a standout in the genre. But there were critical missteps that ultimately left it a frustrating experience for me. If I may get spoilery for a moment...witches are hard monsters to make work and I am very supporting of anyone wanting to do it in the traditional sense. But the historical, discriminatory reasons witches were feared are a part of those traditional tropes and need to be confronted. There is an attempt to do that, but it’s a confusing one, and ultimately its inclusion as motivation for a betrayal by one character is half-hearted, and it makes her a very difficult character to understand even slightly. If we had understood her more, if her motivations and sense of being wronged were more justified, if she was capable of feeling emotion and reacted like a human being to the tragedies around her, I’m convinced this would’ve been a good film. Instead I left feeling not afraid, sympathetic or heartbroken, but angry by what a stupid arsehole she is. What’s worse is that the witches in this are thoroughly hilarious. Yes, they are mythology accurate - but for me, naked old women floating unconvincingly on sticks as they cackle just makes me wince and hope they can brew up a good haemorrhoid balm. Watch a Harry Potter movie instead and enjoy the witches we’ve evolved to love today.
4
Phantom Boy
A plot as transparent at its title character was one of many problems that exorcised this film from the best list.
This was animated on paper. PAPER! Do you know how few things use honest-to-goodness paper anymore? And quality Canson paper at that. Add to that fresh visuals and a good voice cast in French and in English and you should have a happy Chantal. Sadly, the story ultimately lets this down. It’s a conventional gangster story, but made kid friendly. The style doesn’t suit this story - if anything it holds it back. A more traditional cartoony style would have made the humour much more effective and the acting less wooden. This style is suited to something more thoughtful and experimental - but as is it mutes all the strengths this film should have. This could have been a thoughtful exploration of mortality, friendship and perspective while still being kid friendly and adventurous. Instead Leo having cancer feels like a cheap and easy way to milk sympathy, and his interactions with everyone feel ghostly and uninvolving, whether he’s flying free in his ghost form or sitting in his wheelchair spewing exposition and narration. Leo should have been more than a talkative camera for another story that wasn’t even about him.
….Dangit, France, you do so much right! Why do you keep tripping up on the story?
3
Daredevil
Season 2
Hey, who else thought Daredevil Season One was a heckuva ride? At least until Matt put on that ridiculous costume. I mean, we all liked the ninja one, right? It was nice to have a believable superhero outfit for a change. I get he needed to put on the red suit eventually...but did it have to look like a constipated Dam Troll Doll?
Unfortunately the first thing Season Two did was make the Troll suit even more constipated - and purple instead of crimson for some reason.
Spooky, right?
The best thing about Season One was Wilson Fisk, aka the Kingpin. The Netflix shows are doing an admirable job showing up the blockbusters when it comes to quality, motivated, fascinating baddies that someone might actually want on a T-Shirt. Sure, in a match-up Loki’s magic powers would probably win, but I’d put my money on Fisk anyway, simply because I believe he’d find a way to intimidate that complex-riddled greenhorn into magicking himself full of holes. In a universe with gods and magic and powers, Wilson scared me with his all-too-believable human fury. And he’s only got a brief cameo in this season. Which is one of the few things I can fully remember from this season. Without Fisk, it becomes painfully clear that we do not care about Matt at all. Charlie Cox looks the part and seems to enjoy what he’s doing, but I honestly can’t name anything personable about his Daredevil at all. As for Foggy and Karen...I honestly don’t remember what they did this season, outside of whine and attempt to piece together things we as the audience already knew. But by far the worst part of this whole affair was Elektra. Allow me to list thy faults: Over-acted, dull, wince-inducing, tonally mismatched, irritating, initially interesting, finally forehead slapping. What makes it all the more tragic is the Punisher is pretty good and the first few episodes that center on mostly him were excellent. If the whole season had been about him and the dilemma his similar ethos presented Mattie, then this would probably not be here. But Elektra hijacked that sweet ride, and now here we are.
So you help ruin Daredevil (2003), then female superhero films (Elektra, 2005), and now an actually good Netflix series? You really are a villain.
2
Suicide Squad
Would someone please just clean the lenses already? Why are superhero films so gray and grimy these days?
Geez, what hasn’t been said? Bad editing, dim colouring keying, rushed script, obvious reshoots, boring characters (that aren’t even villains), generic plot, awful special effects, generic villain, terrible debut for the beloved character of Harley Quinn, an unnecessary and universally loathed Joker, nonsensical plotting and ultimately, a bit of celluloid we’d have been better off without. Is what I would say...if it hadn’t led me to write my favourite review this year and got me to rewatch Meet the Robinsons.
This, I think, is finally proof that DC just doesn’t know how to approach this material and isn’t willing to put the time and effort into them to make sure they’re worthwhile before shovelling them out. Which is a shame, since this really was worth a shot. DC has had the best Rogues Gallery for years, and Marvel and Disney are leaving me starving for a good Baddie. The characters might not be bad guys, but this film really does deserve to be on a proper Worst List.
1
The Little Prince
Well, the thing I originally had here got so long I made it it’s own separate review. To summarize, The Little Prince is a film that had everything it needed to be the definitive adaptation of a classic book not enough people outside of France know about. Instead it was really bad fanfiction that had the cruelty to dangle pieces of that perfect movie in front of me and snatch them away over and over until it simply crumpled them up and set them on fire while I cried. Nothing left me hollower, sadder, or more disappointed in 2016. And considering the kind of news we’ve had this year...that’s saying a lot.
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